May
I forgive myself for mistakes made and things left undone.
"Encountering Grief: A 10-Minute Guided Meditation"
with Zen Abbot, Joan Halifax
When I was on Pine Island last winter, I purchased a
1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that featured the area. It had been produced by the
Chamber of Commerce, and was sold in the featured businesses. Just a couple of
days before I arrived, an arsonist set a fire that totally destroyed the
offices of the Chamber, and the inventory of the puzzles. The ones that were
already in stores were the only copies of the puzzle, so when I saw one for
sale at a favorite shop (Earth and Spirit Garden Gallery), I purchased mine.
The puzzle when home with me unopened, and returned back
to Pine Island with me still in the box. Given that I am still recovering from
surgery in November, I decided having the puzzle to work on would be a good
recovery tool. I was not prepared for the lessons that working toward
completion on a 1,000 piece puzzle might present, but I am certainly thankful.
The title of this blog might have been, “All I Really
Needed to Know I Learned Putting Together the Pine Island Puzzle.”
I learned that it is good to have a very big table if you
are working on a puzzle that is 2 feet wide and 30 inches tall. When I first
laid out all the pieces, the entire dining table was covered. Our meals were
eaten at the breakfast bar in the kitchen or on TV trays in the screen room. In
some ways, this reminded me of how much of my life was affected by my recent
healing journey. The process leading up to the surgery, the surgery itself, the
post-surgical complications, the recovery…. Any single aspect could have had a
significant impact on my schedule, and with all the pieces spread out, it feels
a bit like November and December 2012 did not exist for me. But, like the Pine
Island puzzle, you can only take one step at a time.
Separate all the straight-edged pieces so you can
assemble the border. Think about doing this process with 1,000 pieces. Some
days this is what life feels like. It can be a bit overwhelming, even when you
are clear that you can only do what you can do at any given moment.
After the border was assembled, I decided to work on the
next layer inward. There was lots of detail in that, so it was easier to see
what went where. Sometimes our choices are so obvious, they are sometimes
called “a no-brainer.” I was surprised how obsessed I became working on the
puzzle. It was as though it was my job to finish it, and I guess that is true
since I was the only one working on it.
Once in a while I would get stumped and
give John the “job” of helping me find a certain piece in the image on the box.
After a few days of that, he went to the flea market and bought me a set of magnifying
glasses….
I discovered that the daytime light was best, but it
seemed such a waste of sunny weather to be in the house putting together a
puzzle. We do sometimes find ourselves stuck somewhere in our minds rather than
enjoying the experiences of our lives. To remedy this, I would use some time in
the morning when the light was good and John was still sleeping to sort for
finer distinctions.
General colors would go together. Then within that color I
would put the shorter and taller and fatter and thinner “H” shaped pieces in an
area for each according to color and size. Once John was up and had coffee and
breakfast, we would go for our bike ride. As the puzzle was coming together, my
healing seemed to be doing the same. I am thrilled at how much stronger I am in
just one week!
After the outer and inner borders were in place, I would
put focused attention on an area where several pieces came together. Most of
the task was visual, but it demanded paying attention to details. I have
noticed that amplified awareness about what I eat or what I think or how I sit
or breathe. It is really a gift to allow everything in life to be welcomed as
spiritual practice.
For example, I notice how I think about trash I see
around the island. Rather than be critical about who was careless or even
malicious, I notice what a sense of honor I have at cleaning it up (even though
I know I was not the one who left the mess). Regardless of the specific
situation, and even if we are talking about emotional messes, this can be done
without a sense of obligation (been shouldin’ on myself for too long).You can
bring beauty where you are. You can contribute to the world. You can leave things better than you found
them.
As I worked on the Pine Island puzzle, teachings I have
heard seeped into my bones. I was putting the pieces of my own heart and mind
and body together! The puzzle became for me a living metaphor, and I allowed
images of my jigsaw belly to come together along with the images of the jigsaw
puzzle.
As the last pieces were coming together, I was sharing
via text with my sister, Janis. We were taking about the way our lives really
are getting easier. For us, the joy of the natural world is a big part of the
healing. Her cat is Dusana. I have wonderful cats in my life in Michigan, too,
and here on the island I visit two cats. I visit Sonny at the auto shop, and
Hector at the ice cream parlor. I go see these cats just because I love petting
kitties and these two kitties love the attention. Sonny forgets to swallow and
slobbers! Hector is very at home with himself and sleeps soundly even with crowds of customers around him. It is very sweet and loving them just feels purrfect, if you know
what I mean….
When I had only twelve pieces left (who is counting?) to
completion, John came in to help. I could have been resentful thinking about
how overwhelming it was when there were 1,000 pieces to sort, but I was aware
of him choosing to share the joy with me. It turned into a bit of a coaching
session, with my sharing aloud how I use the visual strategy to spot the piece
to go into the section I am working on. “It will be taller, or shorter, fatter
or thinner….” I felt myself slide into the ease you experience when you know
you do not have to do it all yourself. I enjoyed having him enjoy being able to
see what would go where. It was a surprise and a pleasure, and rather Zen.
He gave me the privilege of putting in the last piece,
which was quite special as it was a piece that had been searched
for over and over and over, seemingly without success. The missing piece was right in the middle, right at the top, of the puzzle. This was a very obvious piece, one that was within
the "inner" border. When I was down to only seven pieces, I counted the open section
to see if there was one for up there. You never know for sure if a piece is missing.
The mystery of the
last piece of the puzzle is still with my heart and soul this evening. My own
inner journey of healing is not complete just because the Pine Island puzzle is
finished.
Completion is a state of constant process. You are always complete
and yet always evolving. As Abraham-Hicks has said, “You can’t get it wrong,
because you can’t get it done.” I am very thankful for this truth. It lets you
go to bed at night and sleep and dream well. Life will have another puzzle for
us to live tomorrow. Life is not a puzzle where there is a last piece to be put in place. Life's puzzle is itself a living matrix.
