Feathers in the Broad Wing of Time

"You are older at this moment than you’ve ever been before,

and it’s the youngest you’re ever going to get.

The mortality rate is holding at a scandalous 100 percent."

This quotation from the article “You Are Going to Die” by Tim Kreider is the first deep thought that I have on the early morning of my 63rd birthday. This deep thought sits in my mind like a wedge of fresh lemon sits on the tongue. It is still early enough to be dark as I am considering my own mortality in the screen room alongside the canal here in St. James City, Florida on this beloved Pine Island. At this moment I am hypersensitive to the sounds trickling in from outside: a few early birds, the splash of mullets jumping, some distant vehicles, and a faint Grandfather's clock chiming the hour. There's something both refreshing and painful about the truth of my mortality and I now hear Seals and Crofts singing in my head: "we may never pass this way again...."

Is 63 years too young to think of death? What about 70? I don't remember at what age my father began to say, "This may be my last Christmas…" but when my mother-in-law now says, "When I'm gone" my husband usually responds by asking her where she's going.

The truth is we're all going, and we don't consciously know when, where, and how. Born-again Christians focus on the where, preparing for the hereafter by accepting Jesus so they can be sure they are going to go to Heaven not Hell.

Whatever your beliefs, there is an inevitability to the movement of time. Many of the common metaphors around time are similar to the metaphors we often use for money. We talk about spending time and that it is important how we invest it. Perhaps at a deep level we do recognize that the moments of our lives are invaluable.

Angeles Arrien, cross cultural anthropologist and author of The Four Fold Way, asks us to ponder what we want to do with this one wild, precious, thing called LIFE.

Eight weeks ago yesterday I went into surgery not knowing for sure how things would play now. Although I continue on my healing journey, which has included overcoming some of the postsurgical complications, the prognosis for my living a long and happy life is good. We are all very thankful for that....

Betty Lue Lieber wrote in her Loving Reminders, "When we validate other’s illnesses, we increase our own likelihood of the same. We are all living out the thoughts and beliefs of those with whom we associate and agree with. Your experience was not yours personally."

If she is right and it is true that we are all living out the thoughts and beliefs of those with whom we associate and agree with, inside, what am I thinking and believing and how do I feel? Young? Old? Middle-aged? This morning, sitting here, witnessing dawn revealing the canal to my still-somewhat-drowsy eyes, the truth is I feel as though I am ageless. This morning, drunk with the elixir of another tropical dawn, the idea that I am older at this moment than I've ever been before, and the youngest I'm ever going to get has my heart soaring with glee.

I've spent the last four days keeping up with 14-year-old granddaughter, Courtney. We have been hiking, biking, kayaking, drumming, driving, and drinking and eating all over these islands. We've enjoyed close encounters with nature including Eagle, Manatee, and this Dolphin checking Courtney out in the photo below. We have been making memories. 

I remember when my own mother was aging, hearing her express regret and remorse that she had wasted her life. I think now about her legacy, of which I am an intimate part. I think about my own beloved daughter, Courtney's mom, Stacey. And I think about the possibility of yet-unborn-great-grandchildren in the future.

But more importantly than what has been or what might yet come to be, at this moment I treasure that my heart is beating in my chest. I am humbled to have eyes to see the darkness, the dimness of dawn, the brilliance of the noon-day sun, and the shadow of eventide. I'm grateful that at most moments, on most days I seem to be in my right mind. I am grateful to choose to be alive!

And today this poem represents my birthday wishes to me:

What a day this is; my empty slate
on which each thought creates my experience

If I hold hatred, I experience that
As I embrace love, I witness the same

Breathe
Release
Remember
Revere

There is much more sweetness than cake

There is much more sour than lemon

There is much more death than body

There is much more life than physical

Today you can hoist your sail and face the wind

The breeze can be trusted to blow


This message from my beloved sister, Janis:
Happy birthday, my gosh..... You were such a darling baby and little girl who has grown into an amazing and beautiful woman. So blessed to have known you your entire life. Have a fabulous day. I love you!!!!

This message from my beloved sister, Johnnie Sue:
A moment I remember with Daddy for you is the day you and Dad were in the accident. When I walked into the bedroom where he was lying,I asked how he was. With tears in his eyes he said,"I am OK but ‘diba dab…’ and he could not go on. He loved you very much and so do I...

I will close with a quotation by Victor Hugo, “The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.” This is a very comforting message for this anniversary day of my birth. How can it get any better than this?