Scary Fun!

While riding my bike with a couple of friends in the Apple Cider Century we stopped by a local pumpkin patch. Scattered throughout the yard were some creatures, and I could not resist taking a couple "selfies." 

I sent this first photo to my daughter, Stacey, and she quickly wrote back, "Scary! I don't like clowns." That is a family funny. When he was about four years old, our grandson Adam told his mom he wanted to go home (he was visiting us in Michigan) because we have clown paintings on our kitchen walls and they scared him. I took the paintings down and turned them against the wall so we could go on and have a great week together! 

A few weeks ago, I had the following article about fear published in the local newspaper.

Fear of Feeling Fear

Since WMMT ran a news story about my work helping people overcome fears and phobias, I have been thinking a lot about how fears and phobias relates to our faith.

In the Christian New Testament, it is written: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18, New International Version)

In the March 22, 2012, Psychology Today article, "The (Only) Five Basic Fears We All Live By", Karl Albrecht, Ph. D., writes we are all afraid of the same few things: Extinction, Mutilation, Loss of Autonomy, Separation, and Ego-death. 

The first two are pretty self-explanatory, but it may be helpful to think a bit more deeply about the other three. Loss of autonomy shows up anywhere our desires are thwarted—including feeling overwhelmed, smothered, or entrapped. Fear of separation is related to feelings not being wanted, respected, or valued. Ego-death is experienced in our lack of  lovability, capability, and worthiness.

It may be that we all learned a subtle habit of fearing fear when we saw others acting out emotional avoidances: not asking for a truly deserved raise, a deeply desired date, or a much needed hug—not being honest about what we wanted or needed for fear we would not get it. 

My father was an alcoholic. My mother, understandably embarrassed by his drinking, had essentially no social life, but it was not until after his death that we recognized she was actually agoraphobic. Her social fear had been hidden behind my father's behavior. 

Community-based fears spring up around a shared experience. In the aftermath of the bombing at the Boston Marathon, security expert Brian Schneier was quoted in The Washington Post: “If you are scared, they win. If you refuse to be scared, they lose.”

Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love) was quoted by Nelson Mandela: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Just as Susan Jeffers explains in her internationally acclaimed best-selling classic, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, we had been unable to see our emotional reactions to life as the "memories of" fear they really are. We may have rationalized them, justified them, denied them, or projected them onto others, but they were just our own memories. Fear comes from our past to rob us of the opportunity found in each present moment.

If you are ready to move beyond any fear habit you learned along the way, you might enjoy reading Patty Chang Anker's book, Some Nerve: Lessons Learned While Becoming Brave. Chapter 7 includes her overcoming the fear of moving water by surfing for the first time in Lake Michigan off the shores of Saint Joseph. Spoiler alert: Patty did that in 36 degree water in February! 

We must all walk our talk by letting grace allow us to live in love, not fear. 

I had a lot of fun snapping photos with the scary creatures. This one was really fun!

What makes some things scary to some people and not to others? We know fear is a learned response. Hypnosis is known to eliminate fears. Fortunately, we are not helpless!

Keys to Compassion

 It has been a day about keys. The first lesson took place at the hardware store when I was getting keys cut to our new office space. The young man behind the desk looked to be younger than my grandsons. He was helping another customer, and I entertained myself by looking at all the options. 

I could see beer brand key blanks, sports team blanks, specialty food key blanks, and blanks with heads shaped like myriad animals. I had no idea key blanks came in such fancy options. The fancy ones ranged in price up to about five dollars but a sign listed single cut keys at $1.99. 

When the fresh-faced young man asked if he could help me, I told him I needed to get four keys made. He asked if I wanted silver or color.

"Is the price the same for the colored ones?" I inquired. 

"Yes, I have these colors," he pointed to the key blanks hanging on the wall. I was drawn to the pretty colors. Color can be such a nice touch. There were four color choices: red, green, yellow, and purple. I needed four keys. That seemed to be my answer!

"Let's go with these," I smiled as I dropped four blanks into his hand—one of each color.

I handed him my key chain, and watched as he turned on the machine that cuts the keys.I listened to the familiar grinding sound. In my former life as a clerk in a department store what seems like a century ago I used to cut keys…. A soft clink brought me back from the past as four colored keys were placed in my hand. I heard him saying I could pay for them up front.

As the woman working at the checkout scanned the first one I saw $2.29 in the window. Right and wrong are pretty hard wired into my being. "I understood the price to be $1.99." 

If looks could kill, I would not be writing this blog now. With a huff, the clerk turned to another employee standing nearby. "How much are the color keys? It rings up $2.29."

Feeling the sand shifting under my feet, I knew I was stepping off my center. "The young man who cut them for me told me the price was the same as the silver keys." 

"Kyle!" the other woman yelled into a mic on her lapel. He was close enough that he answered without the sound system. Kyle (not his real name) walked toward us like a dog with his tail between his legs. "How much are the colored keys?"she demanded. 

He threw me under the bus. It is always to save ourselves we do that. Most often to save face when there is no real threat other than to our fragile ego. "I don't know," he stammered. 

Further from my center, I looked at him and spoke the truth. "When I asked you if the colors were the same price as the silver, you said they were." 

As his young, fresh, face fell, I came to my senses.

"I will pay the price. He made a mistake. It is such a small amount of money and money is certainly not something worth being unkind to a person about." 

I looked up at his face, sure he was looking back at me. "Mistakes happen. We are forever learning, aren't we…." 

I completed the transaction and left the store with four colored keys: Red, Green, Yellow, and Purple. It was easy to have compassion for the young man, but not so much for the two women clerks. When I sit in silence tomorrow morning I will be aware I misspoke when I told him I needed four keys. I obviously need at least one more: The key to compassion for all.

Three-Legged Stool

It has been over a year ago that I was asked to do a talk on Healing: Body, Mind, and Spirit. While the title is new, the significance of weaving together the threads of body, mind, and spirit are anything but. My first idea for a name of my healing practice was "tapestry."

The image that I often use to help us really get the point is a three-legged stool. If you think even for a moment about the logistics, you realize NO stool can stand without at least three legs. For our focus today, let's think about our goal for well-being as Body: calm; Mind: confident; and Spirit: focused. 

I found this perfect illustration on line! Thank you to whomever created it.

What is key to your having a calm body? For most of us, we must retrain our brain, because the human brain is still functioning as though we are being chased by lions and tigers.

According to world-renowned emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman, most of us are still acting out of the ancient fight-or-flight response, and an upgrade is long-overdue so you can stop emotional hijackings and develop emotional intelligence.

Most everything I share with clients, friends, and family is designed to retrain the amygdala and allow you to know you are safe so you can make sane choices about how to best respond with love and compassion and wisdom and kindness. Here is a sampling list:

• Self Full Body Connection
• Etheric Vitality Plus
• Aromatherapy
•  NLP
• Hypnosis
•  Music
• Meditation 
•  Guided Imagery
• Yoga
• Tai Chi

Let's face it, life is hectic. Parents with young children know that; working people know that; and even retirees know that. That is why I like these offerings because they address all three legs at once. They calm your body, empower your mind, and inspire your spirit.

You may download and share a copy of a handout on Stress Relief for our Modern Life. We want to be sure you have three legs to stand on, don't we....

Unseen Helping Hands

It seems as though "stuff" comes in cycles, and this is a time when so many I know are going through so much. A twelve hour surgery (associated with a month-long stay in another state where the surgery took place); a drunk driving and a child custody case; purchasing a used car that turned out to be a lemon; losing a wallet with drivers license and all the debit and credit cards; not being able to meet financial obligations; and lost jobs and lost loved ones.

My Wholesome Thoughts are posted each Wednesday, and on September 3, 2014 this was the opening quotation: John Lennon said, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

A dear friend is going through a revisiting of some symptoms (Rocky Mountain Fever and Gilbert's Syndrome). I am impressed with her steadfast awareness that she is whole and generating a deeper sense of well-being as she navigates this now.

In some amazing ways, each challenge we meet is itself a path to more of what we have desired. The trick is to see the opportunities rather than to think you are a victim.

This is totally in harmony with the information in "The Drama Triangle Revisited" that is published in Healing with Language: Your Key to Effective Mind-Body Communication.  

When Joel Bowman (co-developer of Subtle Communication Systems) and I wrote that material, we were living the drama. We had arguments so intense we named them: Parking Lot Number 1, My Office. It has taken profound commitment and expanding awareness to move beyond those painful patterns, but it can be done. 

We are never alone or abandoned. Help is always available. There are no victims, only volunteers. 

Whether your current state is pleasant or unpleasant; easy or difficult; physical or emotional or mental or spiritual, if it's not okay, it's not the end. In all challenges, the constant truth is revealing itself: "The universe is abundant with unseen helping hands." 

Image from a quilt by Kathryn Zerler, used by permission.

For ongoing inspiration, get into the habit of checking the SCS home page each week to read the latest Sacred Stories. Share these with others and send me your own stories, too.