Happy New Year 2013

This is a day I was not sure I would experience. That may sound strange to some, but it has a very deep core of meaning for me. In October of 1999, I was at a workshop where one of the exercises was to look ahead in time and see the end of your timeline. When I did that, mine ended in 2012. The guy who was leading that workshop was a bit shocked, since I would only be 62 years old at that time, and he suggested I “go in and change the date.”

I am not at all sure what I was thinking about freedom of choice and the nature of life as being malleable, but I refused to change things, saying I would live out my destiny.

From time to time, I admit that I have thought about that, but in early October when I discovered a mass in my abdomen, I began to experience pretty intense stress around all of that. I did not feel ready to die and I even told a good friend I was not organized enough for my life to end!

This morning, looking at my journal entry for Sunday, November 11, 2012, the day before I had the CT scan showing that the mass was on the left ovary, I read this note from Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening: crises reveals the raw surface of the mind.

Later that morning I saw Leah. I am so thankful to have a skilled acupuncturist who is also a Chinese medicine doctor. After a complete evaluation, she said, “No cancer.” She did find a blockage in the urethra area, as well as in the intestine. She felt it was good that I was having the CT scan so I would have more information.

In the afternoon, Nancy and I went to the peace path that is co-sponsored by our Saint Joseph Sangha and is at St. Anthony’s. What a wonderful, soulful place. I was touched by the commitment of those souls to justice and peace. What legacy they brought to our world, such as Aung San Suu Kyl, a Buddhist woman who has worked tirelessly to bring democracy to Burma, or Sophia Magdalena Scholl, who was executed for her anti-Nazi efforts.

On Monday, November 12, 2012, I made a note from Neale Donald Walsh’s thought for the day: The bad news does not have to get you down. It can actually get you going. Now may be a wonderful time to get back to basics, like board games with your children, quiet talks with your friends, a moment of gentleness with your spouse.

I also made mention that I observed in my body that the pain of emotionally grasping at/for love and connection feels just like the pain of fear and rejection! This insight seemed very significant, and as I had the thought I also heard a rapping that my sister Janis first referred to as a “Ceiling Walker”!

Mark Nepo’s words from the reading for that day were sharp as an arrow: “The world as we know it must be broken so that we can be born anew.  Almost dying was another shell I had to break." 

Mary Jo suggested I look back 10 years ago to see what I was dealing with at the soul level.  In my journal entry from November 13, 2002, I was writing about clearing my death wish!

I hade been noticing the relevance at those times when the voice-to-text function would not catch things the way I had spoken them. My pet name for the happenings is to call it a Sirism, for Siri, the technical name for the iPhone function. I wrote down this one:

SIRISM
I can appreciate anything
I can create anything

Nepo again seems to be written along the trajectory of my own healing journey: “When we marry our humanness to our spirit, we create a life that is doubly strong in the world.... Means staying committed to your inner path.”

The cystoscopy showed a healthy bladder with a huge growth pushing into it. I went right from Dr. Stockton’s office in Saint Joseph to South Bend to see Dr. Michael Method. On the way I sent a text to my sister, Janis. She knew of Dr. Method, spoke very highly of him, and even told me she had a coworker who had a 9 pound benign tumor removed!

We went to a favorite oriental restaurant with Nancy before driving home. The fortune in my cookie: Your future is whatever you make of it, so make it a good one. It was certainly not smooth sailing. I wrote in my journal: Heart is racing now. Feet cold. Wondering if it was foolish to wait.

Asking what is real about the timing, I drew Tree of Life: Seek a greater understanding of his or her karmic circumstances and conditions. Careful consideration and observations give you the chance to set your karmic record straight. I make my decisions from a place of hope and faith. Reading from Louise Hay on tumor: I lovingly release the past and turn my attention to this new day. All is well.

An entry on Wednesday, November 14, 2012, speaks to the way the unconscious mind is playing out at the soul level:

Yesterday when I was on the table waiting for the cystoscopy, I had the sense of my dad’s spirit coming to me to apologize for his role in my having to go through this. It was about him having brought syphilis to me at the time of my conception. Later that day John said he saw my dad in me a couple of times. One of the times was at the restaurant with Nancy after we left Dr. Method's office. I asked John to share those observations rather than wait for me to ask.My nephew took this photo of my dad years ago....

It was interesting that the key word for that day (Day 10 of the Deepak Chopra meditation) was on Karma. I made this note from Chopra's writing: Today I make great choices because they are made with full awareness.

It is a new year. I am alive. In a note to Betty Lue earlier this morning, I shared that during the night last night I was very aware of the two voices: Inner coach or inner critic. Those voices create the world we live in! The thinker thinks, and the prover proves. I was with Betty Lue the first time I became aware of that inner critic. I had spilled a glass on her white carpeting in their condo at Parkview Hills. I heard a sarcastic tone inside say, "Grace." I remember turning around inside my mind and challenging that voice by saying that even graceful people can have an accident and spill something and I would not tolerate being spoken to that way. Freedom, for each of us, begins with the smallest of steps away from anything that would keep us bound.

The wall hanging in Stacey's bathroom has a great quotation on it about how life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. So today as I wish you a Happy New Year, it almost takes my breath away simply that I am in body and I am able to share this time with you here on planet earth.