Gentle With Myself

Quite possibly the greatest change in this whole process will occur within ourselves. 

We don't think much of ourselves, or in the other extreme, sometimes way too much!

In any case, most people are terrible to themselves! 

They beat themselves up for their mistakes and crucify themselves for their "failures and shortcomings."

I have had clients who were still beating themselves up for things that had happened forty and fifty years ago!

Ross Bishop (December 7, 2102)

I had a complete hysterectomy that was needed because of a very large benign tumor on my left ovary. The surgery was November 26, and following a couple of complications, I came home on Sunday, December 2. Thursday, December 6, 2012 was my first day being able to take care of myself at home all day

I decided I would enjoy a ginger chew, and I got one out of the box in the cupboard, and then proceeded to drop it onto the floor. It is amazing how many things I have dropped since I got home. I would never have thought about that, before not being able to bend over and pick whatever it was up. 

Wanting to prove that I could take care of myself, I artfully managed to use my right foot to get that chew up on top of my left foot.

After three tries, I was successful lifting my left foot straight up, while still keeping the ginger chew balanced on the top of my foot, until I nabbed it with my right hand!

Feeling full of pride, I victoriously proceeded to try to unwrap that ginger chew. However, the real lesson soon came into awareness.

That chew was soft and gooey, and the paper would not come off, so I had to throw it away! 

I have eaten a lot of those ginger chews over the past several years, and I have never had that happen before...

As I disgustedly opened the pantry to get another ginger chew, I silently understood the truth that I am at choice. Life can be seen as a game that is to be won or lost. I can work very hard to win or at the very least to not lose—trying and trying to prove something to myself or to someone else—or I can be gentle with myself, knowing that things do not all have to be resolved immediately. 

I will never know for sure, but I am curious if I had left that first ginger chew on the floor until John got home from work, would it have unwrapped for him as easily as the one I had just eaten? 

Last evening I was very uncomfortable physically and feeling quite vulnerable emotionally. With my feet in the lap of my husband, I tried without success to get into a posture to relax. Tears began to flow along with thoughts about things I have lost.

It was more than just about the hollow place in my abdomen where my body parts used to be. It was about having been given  gas when I was delivering my daughter and missing the wonder of her birth. It was about also having been given a shot to dry up my milk, and missing the miracle of having a baby at my breast. It was about the days I have wasted feeling sorry for myself about this or that and having missed the blessing in what is happening at this very moment.

I just let myself feel the feelings and decided to turn on some music to help with the release. I set "Gentle With Myself" (track nine from Heart of Healing by Karen Drucker), to loop and I just let it sing me to sleep.

I have had a powerful sense this healing is about my own wounded divine inner feminine being freed by forgiving the human masculine. It is my sincere prayer that each of us has taken that lesson to heart, so we can all live the beautiful serenity that it is never too late to have a happy childhood and there is always time to live happily ever after. Thank you, Karen, for these healing lyrics....

I will be gentle with myself.
I will be gentle with myself.
And I will hold myself like a newborn baby child.

I will be tender with my heart.
I will be tender with my heart.
And I will hold my heart like a newborn baby child.

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.
I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.

I will be easy on myself.
I will be easy on myself.
And I'll love myself like a newborn baby child.

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.

Now, I know...
I am gentle with myself.
I am gentle with myself.
And I hold myself like a newborn baby child.

And I rock myself like a newborn baby child.
I hold myself like a newborn baby child.
I love myself like a newborn baby child.

Gentle with Myself, by Karen Drucker

Not yet comfortable sitting at the keyboard, this works just fine!