A Time to Lie Fallow

I went to hear Rev. Jim McConnell speak this morning because I knew the theme was bleak midwinter or the season of our discontent. I knew this would be relevant to me as I have sometimes felt less than patient as I recuperate surgery. Especially with the tasks of readying for our departure, I have wanted to be more productive than I am capable of being right now. 

 

Jim shared about having taking courses in soil in college and about the value of letting the fields lie fallow. Farmers used to routinely do this. Far from being a wasted season, leaving the soil unseeded after being ploughed and harrowed is the appropriate action to create greater fertility. In fact, the term even applies to ideas, as an idea or state of mind that is undeveloped or inactive is ripe with potentiality. 

Jim said LIFE will ask you to answer the big questions for yourself. He said it will not be something you read in a book, or something a teacher or preacher or philosopher tells you. The answer is not something you can figure out or calculate. It is something that you become aware of.He said the answer will always come if you are willing to wait for it.

He shared some great stories of the faithfulness of seeking and finding. He also shared the story of Jonah. Most people think of that story as Jonah and the Whale, but after hearing Jim today, I will forever think of it as Jonah and the Worm. 

You see, God told Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh, a city full of wickedness. Jonah was to give them a warning. Hmmm.... Rather than follow God's command, as the story is written, Jonah set sail in the opposite direction. Although I have never been to Niveveh, I certainly have had my share of rebelling against the guidance I had to move in a certain direction.

Well, as luck would have it, a huge storm came up and Jonah's companions recognize that this is no ordinary storm. The sailors are said to have cast lots to determine "whose god is responsible." The lot fell on Jonah and they heaved him overboard! 

Most folks who grew up with familiarity with the Judeo Christian myths remember that Jonah spends three days in the belly of the fish, gets barfed out onto the shore, and has the change of heart that he best get to Nineveh to share that warning, which he did. After giving the warning, expecting the destruction within the 40 days, Jonah leaves the city, but stays close. He finds a shade plant and is content to wait to see the action.

Now enter the worm....

The way the story is told, God causes a worm to bite the plant's root and it withers. Without its shade, Jonah becomes very uncomfortable, and he grieves the death of the plant. He wants to die to be out of his misery. The lesson is one of compassion—for the people of Nineveh and for Jonah.

As I continue my healing journey in the Florida sunshine, this is my sacred intention: I will have compassion for myself and welcome this time to lie fallow. I will rest. I will enjoy nature. Spring will come, and with it, new life will grow in the fertile soil of my life. 

A beautiful view from the deck...

Grace and Ease

Last night a good friend, Laurel Izard, called to share what she received in her reading for me. The first thing that came through was my Paternal Grandmother. I did not know my father's mother, but I remember being at the home of my cousin, Eddie McDaniel, and having him show me a photo of her. I was shocked that she looked like a Native American. Ed said no one talked about it, but that she did have Indian blood.

 Laurel's sense was that my Great Grandmother wanted to connect with me.

Another image that came through for Laurel was Woody woodpecker, which she interpreted as trickster energy around me. I certainly been aware of that!

Today's reading, in The Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo, "As a child I would talk to things—birds that flew overhead, trees that swayed slowly in the night, even stones drying in the sun."

Remembering the conversation with Laurel and now reading Mark's words, I find this all very interesting. I woke up this morning having a profound sense of the nonphysical support that has been with me in my recovery. I decided to give names for to my companions: Grace and Ease!

I have been completely aware that asking for support on a continual basis allows me to move with less discomfort, allows me to feel better physically, and even enables me to experience a greater sense of emotional stability. Even ordinarily very simple or mundane tasks: rolling over in bed; getting into or out of bed; sitting down on or getting up from the toilet; or picking up something I dropped--each of these is made significantly  more or less difficult, by my forgetting to or remembering to ask for help.

I will actually say to myself, "Okay team, let's do this!"

When I read the quotation by Mark Nepo this morning, and thought about how Native Americans have always talked to Nature Spirits, I was also remembering my nurse, Francesca, telling us about her speaking in this way as she was growing up in Africa. She told stories of going  out to the mango orchard, speaking to the gods of the mango trees, asking permission to pick fruit, then speaking words of gratitude.

This makes me think about the book, Behaving As If the God in All Life Mattered, by Machaelle Small Wright.

A friend stopped to visit with me the a few days ago. While he was here, he got that faraway gaze is his eyes, and his voice got quiet as he leaned toward me and asked me what would I most have learned from this experience that is valuable for him and for others.

The answer was simple: Ask for help. Expect that you live in a nonphysical support system—one that is ready, willing, and able to provide you with continuous support, but you must ask!

This is not a new awareness for me, having previously written about that subtle support system, but the sense of total grace and the ease of being that comes from feeling yourself supported is new, or maybe amplified.

Whether you think of your support as angels, guides, or simply the benefit of aligning with your own inner being, I wonder what a difference it will make if we experiment with how much more we can get out of life when you make Grace and Ease your constant companions.

This may just be the new world coming after the end of the old world tomorrow on 12/21/12....

A Candle for Lizzie

From The Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo (December 3)

It reminds me of a dream I had when ill, in which I came to the edge of a forest where the narrow, lighted spaces called to me. I stood there through many opportunities until an ageless woman of great resolve appeared, saying, "You can't start, I know, and if I were kind, I see you halfway in, but I am  more than kind. You must enter alone. I will meet you on the other side."

Now that I am somewhat on the other side of the recent healing crisis that resulted in my surgery on November 26, and the complications that followed, and am now full-time on the roller-coaster ride of recovery, those bright spots of divine connections are fading fast.

I wonder how significant it really is that I am using breathingwell.com.au, a program for functional breathing by Roger Price—"Price" being my mother's maiden name. I question how relevant it is that BX Protocol (heal even late stage cancer at the cellular level) has been and is being researched by Dr. Duane Smith—"Smith" being my maiden name.

It is as though the many, many, many precious moments of "Synchro destiny" are now tumbled in my loss of routine, lack of energy, and the new normal of focus on medicine and discomfort and healing within and without. 

For now, I am seeing dim images—and in moments of the greatest emotions of weakness, pain, and discouragement—I have briefly even wondered how real they are. 

However, I am thankful I had witnesses along the road. I remember going to my post-surgical check up and at the exact moment  I was showing Nancy the photo of one of the angels who took care of me, we were hearing a nurse come into the waiting room to announce the name of a patient with the same name: Elizabeth. We looked at each other in the way those of us do when we know we are seeing the fabric of the universe unfolding around us. Just knowing that helps me keep the faith. Oh, by the way, nurse Elizabeth goes by, Lizzie.

A part of my intestines had trouble waking up. The parts that were awake have been vigorously jumping up-and-down trying to move things through. The result has been wildly chaotic and truly painful. I am wondering now if this is what our planet might be going through right now.

It occurs to me that those who are awake might have been causing as much turbulence for the one we are, as those who were yet asleep.  

Today, I find myself wishing I could just take a nap, wake up, and find myself home in this body and on the planet. It would be a great day to bake cookies, or wrap presents, or meet a friend for lunch.

Today I hold my dear friend, Carol, in thoughts and prayers. If you will, join me in prayers and thoughts for Carol and her young daughter Lizzie. Lizzie, born in 1985... Lizzie, married just a couple of months ago...

Lizzie, who has experienced liver failure thought to be the result of active alcoholism. Lizzie, who has now experienced kidney failure due to the liver failure.

Carol writes that the family is experiencing much healing as they gather around their beloved Lizzie. They are exploring Palliative care options now.

Today I focus on beads 4, 5, and 6 from the Daily Recollection prayer by Barbara Brodsky. I focus my consciousness for Lizzie and for me and for all sentient beings as I use my prayer beads:

Buddha is also the awakened nature inherent in all things. Awakened nature is within me; my mind is the true Buddha. This Buddha mind is inherently free and already liberated. To know this awakened nature and live the awakened life is the balance to which I aspire. Awakened nature is present everywhere. Resting there, all karma is released, yet my mind and body are still accountable.

There is something quite terrifying when the vehicle we are currently traveling in seems to not be working. In this world, having normal bowel and bladder processes seems like such a miraculous gift. I am suddenly reminded of the words sent to Carol by Pete Wehle, "Today is! Don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow never is! Today is!"

Pete should know. He is a heart recipient. You can read (and gift) the amazing story of his journey of healing in For Pete’s Sake: Going Through Hell andComing Out Whole, written by his wife, Pamela Chappell.

I hold the intention of the liquids I drink being able to go in and come out with ease. I ask my intestines to work in harmony to draw out the nutrients from the free-range eggs I scrambled and ate, and to excrete the toxins easily through my stools. Today, my goal is simple: to be able to have the energy to get in and out of the shower and put my clothes and to remember love is eternal. I light a candle for Carol and her beloved Lizzie and all else falls away....

Gentle With Myself

Quite possibly the greatest change in this whole process will occur within ourselves. 

We don't think much of ourselves, or in the other extreme, sometimes way too much!

In any case, most people are terrible to themselves! 

They beat themselves up for their mistakes and crucify themselves for their "failures and shortcomings."

I have had clients who were still beating themselves up for things that had happened forty and fifty years ago!

Ross Bishop (December 7, 2102)

I had a complete hysterectomy that was needed because of a very large benign tumor on my left ovary. The surgery was November 26, and following a couple of complications, I came home on Sunday, December 2. Thursday, December 6, 2012 was my first day being able to take care of myself at home all day

I decided I would enjoy a ginger chew, and I got one out of the box in the cupboard, and then proceeded to drop it onto the floor. It is amazing how many things I have dropped since I got home. I would never have thought about that, before not being able to bend over and pick whatever it was up. 

Wanting to prove that I could take care of myself, I artfully managed to use my right foot to get that chew up on top of my left foot.

After three tries, I was successful lifting my left foot straight up, while still keeping the ginger chew balanced on the top of my foot, until I nabbed it with my right hand!

Feeling full of pride, I victoriously proceeded to try to unwrap that ginger chew. However, the real lesson soon came into awareness.

That chew was soft and gooey, and the paper would not come off, so I had to throw it away! 

I have eaten a lot of those ginger chews over the past several years, and I have never had that happen before...

As I disgustedly opened the pantry to get another ginger chew, I silently understood the truth that I am at choice. Life can be seen as a game that is to be won or lost. I can work very hard to win or at the very least to not lose—trying and trying to prove something to myself or to someone else—or I can be gentle with myself, knowing that things do not all have to be resolved immediately. 

I will never know for sure, but I am curious if I had left that first ginger chew on the floor until John got home from work, would it have unwrapped for him as easily as the one I had just eaten? 

Last evening I was very uncomfortable physically and feeling quite vulnerable emotionally. With my feet in the lap of my husband, I tried without success to get into a posture to relax. Tears began to flow along with thoughts about things I have lost.

It was more than just about the hollow place in my abdomen where my body parts used to be. It was about having been given  gas when I was delivering my daughter and missing the wonder of her birth. It was about also having been given a shot to dry up my milk, and missing the miracle of having a baby at my breast. It was about the days I have wasted feeling sorry for myself about this or that and having missed the blessing in what is happening at this very moment.

I just let myself feel the feelings and decided to turn on some music to help with the release. I set "Gentle With Myself" (track nine from Heart of Healing by Karen Drucker), to loop and I just let it sing me to sleep.

I have had a powerful sense this healing is about my own wounded divine inner feminine being freed by forgiving the human masculine. It is my sincere prayer that each of us has taken that lesson to heart, so we can all live the beautiful serenity that it is never too late to have a happy childhood and there is always time to live happily ever after. Thank you, Karen, for these healing lyrics....

I will be gentle with myself.
I will be gentle with myself.
And I will hold myself like a newborn baby child.

I will be tender with my heart.
I will be tender with my heart.
And I will hold my heart like a newborn baby child.

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.
I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.

I will be easy on myself.
I will be easy on myself.
And I'll love myself like a newborn baby child.

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.

Now, I know...
I am gentle with myself.
I am gentle with myself.
And I hold myself like a newborn baby child.

And I rock myself like a newborn baby child.
I hold myself like a newborn baby child.
I love myself like a newborn baby child.

Gentle with Myself, by Karen Drucker

Not yet comfortable sitting at the keyboard, this works just fine!