Mother love is not the same thing as smother
love. This morning I saw this quotation that says it best: "A mother is
not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary." (Dorothy Canfield Fisher) This week when I
rode my bike to Riverview Park I was delighted to come upon this mother goose
and her fuzzy little goslings. What a wonderful sight! I was very thankful she
allowed me to get close enough to get this photo.
My friend Byron Stock,
had this quotation on his weekly tip that I received a few moments ago: "Mothers
have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations, as all
other causes combined." (John Abbott)
Betty Lue Lieber wrote
in her Happy Mother's Day Loving Reminders, "All
of us have a birth mother and sometimes many who nurture and nourish us."
Years ago, when I was teaching
personality courses, one of my favorite tools was an exercise called the
Parental Review, from The Celestine
Prophecy: An Experiential Guide, by James Redfield and Carol Adrienne. These
notes are from the section called Observing the Feminine Teacher (Your Mother).
Today may be a perfect time for you to reflect on your own mother, or those
others who have nurtured and nourished you.
Observing the Feminine Teacher (Your Mother)
The role of the feminine in our lives is to help us relate to others.
Generally, but not always, it is our mother who shows us how to connect with
our ability to heal, comfort, and nurture others. If you did not relate well to
your mother, you might have difficulty with intimate relationships or lack the
ability to nurture yourself properly. A
feeling of deprivation around the mother might even underlie such behavior as
overspending or underearning. The feminine is the creator of your goals and
reveals what has heart and meaning for you.
Work Accomplishment
1. What type(s) of work or
activities did your mother do when you were young?
2. Do you think she felt
fulfilled in her activities?
3. In what way did she excel?
Affirmative Self-Expression
4. List positive words that
best describe your mother (e.g., intelligent, creative, loving, etc.)
5. What one or two words best describe her personality?
6. What was unique about her?
Negative Self-Expression
7. List words that describe any
negative traits in your mother (e.g., strict, insecure, opinionated, etc.).
8. What triggered negative
behavior?
9. What one or two words best
describe her worst traits?
Mother's Childhood
10. Describe as best you can your mother's childhood.
11. Was she happy? Neglected? Went to work at an early age? Poor?
Rich? Sheltered? Ambitious?
Control Dynamics
Even the best of mothers has times when we are not our best. At those
times, children can take a mother's behavior personally and become afraid. The
following list allows you to notice your mother's tendencies. You may wish to
estimate a percentage of what was the most common control dynamic:
_____Intimidator: On
the verge of exploding; threatening; gave orders; inflexible; angry; self-centered;
made you feel afraid.
_____Interrogator: Probed
to see what you were doing; critical; undermining; needling; infallible logic;
sarcasm; monitored you.
_____Aloof: Tended to
be distant; busy; away from home; not too interested in your life; unresponsive;
secretive; preoccupied.
_____Poor Me/Victim: Always
saw the negative; looked for problems; always talking about being busy or
tired; made you feel guilty for not solving her problems.
Your Reaction to the
Feminine
How did you react
when your mother was in her control dynamic? If more than one is applicable, it
might be helpful for you to estimate a percentage value on the descriptions
that apply.
_____Intimidator: Did
you stand up to your mother and take a strong or rebellious position?
_____Interrogator: Did
you try to get her attention by asking questions? Did you try to be smarter than
her or find loopholes in her arguments?
_____Aloof: Did you
withdraw into yourself, or hide out in your room doing some activity by yourself?
Did you stay away from home a lot? Did you hide your true feelings?
_____Poor Me/Victim: Did
you try to make your mother feel that you needed help, money, support,
attention, by focusing on your troubles so that she would pay more attention to
you?
12.
What control dynamic/s do you think her
parents used?
13. In what way do you think her
childhood influenced her life
choices?
Mother's Philosophy
14. What was most important to
her?
15. What statement or credo best expresses your mother's philosophy of
life?
Missing Elements
16. List what you think was missing from her life.
17. What might she have done if she had had more time, money, or
education?
I have often said that
it seemed like the day I became a grandmother I learned everything I needed to be a good mother. Perhaps for all of us, the learning is best valued in hindsight.
Today
I honor my own dear mother, Cathryn P. Smith. I love you, Mom!
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"Youth fades; love
droops, the leaves of friendship fall;
A mother's secret hope outlives them
all."
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes,
physician and poet
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