"I have done that, too."

Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.

Ira Byock wrote an amazing book about how we can all live our lives with less regret by staying aware of what matters most. The Four Things That Matter Most came after he had spent over a decade in emergency medicine, and more than two decades in hospice and palliative care watching people wrestle with the inner demons of wishing things had been different. What four phrases matter most? These phrases that burn peace into our hearts: Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. 

Recently I saw how powerful those energies are, especially between a parent and an adolescent child. This past weekend, my grandson, Adam, and my son-in-law, Doug, were racing go-karts here in Michigan! (see Deep Gratitude blog post from Wednesday, January 4, 2012) Since the track was only about 40 miles from where Lisa lives, she and her husband came out for the day. Lisa is my husband's niece but she is also my beloved god daughter. It was a rather magical opportunity to share the day.

Lisa's cell phone did not have reception at the track, but she had been keeping tabs on her younger daughter via text messages through her nephew, Kyle. Lisa granted permission for an outing. The agreement was, "Let me know when you are back."

Time passed... no word. Lisa left several messages asking her daughter to call her. Nothing... With growing tension, and knowing she would not relax until she knew her daughter was fine, Lisa and her husband headed home.

When Lisa called to tell me she had finally heard from her daughter and that they had been having so much fun playing outside in the sprinklers in the 90 degree heat she had forgotten to give her mom a call. Lisa was on her way to pick her daughter up, saying to her, "You know the rule. You broke the rule."

My heart broke in that moment.... the mother in me had given way to the grandmother in me. Mothers love so much they can sometimes feel enough responsibility that that rules can in the emotional moments seem more important than the four things that really do matter most. Before hanging up, filled with compassion, I remember quietly saying to Lisa that long after I was a parent myself, I had been at my own mother's, heading home in Michigan winter weather with the request to let her know we had made it home safely.  I would make my way through that storm, and then arrive home but totally forget to give her a call to let her know we had arrived safely until my phone would ring. I would hear her voice and realize how worried she had been.

Lisa said, "Thank you. That just took me down a few pegs. I have done that, too."

The reason Byock recognized those four things matter most is that we all have....

I am on a healing circle and a member, Lois, recently shared "Something came into my life while here in California. After months of processing and listening, I have found its purpose in my life. 'It' is an old Italian candelabra. It is now an important part of my healing ritual. I light a particular candle with a tone and prayer from a request to the Sound Healing Circle. The candle will burn as spirit moves, sometimes an hour, sometimes days. I am so full of joy with this added source of energy from the candle light, the crystal reflections, along with my own energy, together with all of yours, including my Italian ancestors. Life is so blessed as we share and support each other. Gratitude. Gratitude."

Here is a photo of the Italian candelabra Lois uses as part of her healing ritual. Today, in my heart, I light the candles out of gratitude that our lives are blessed as we share and support each other by remembering and gently reminding one another I have done that, too. 

 Thank you, Lois. Thank you, Lisa. Thank you, Life. Gratitude. Gratitude.

Mother Love

Mother love is not the same thing as smother love. This morning I saw this quotation that says it best: "A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary." (Dorothy Canfield Fisher) This week when I rode my bike to Riverview Park I was delighted to come upon this mother goose and her fuzzy little goslings. What a wonderful sight! I was very thankful she allowed me to get close enough to get this photo. 

My friend Byron Stock, had this quotation on his weekly tip that I received a few moments ago: "Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations, as all other causes combined." (John Abbott)

Betty Lue Lieber wrote in her Happy Mother's Day Loving Reminders, "All of us have a birth mother and sometimes many who nurture and nourish us."  

Years ago, when I was teaching personality courses, one of my favorite tools was an exercise called the Parental Review, from The Celestine Prophecy: An Experiential Guide, by James Redfield and Carol Adrienne. These notes are from the section called Observing the Feminine Teacher (Your Mother). Today may be a perfect time for you to reflect on your own mother, or those others who have nurtured and nourished you. 

Observing the Feminine Teacher (Your Mother)

The role of the feminine in our lives is to help us relate to others. Generally, but not always, it is our mother who shows us how to connect with our ability to heal, comfort, and nurture others. If you did not relate well to your mother, you might have difficulty with intimate relationships or lack the ability to nurture yourself properly.  A feeling of deprivation around the mother might even underlie such behavior as overspending or underearning. The feminine is the creator of your goals and reveals what has heart and meaning for you.

Work Accomplishment

1.  What type(s) of work or activities did your mother do when you were young?

2.  Do you think she felt fulfilled in her activities?

3.  In what way did she excel?

Affirmative Self-Expression

4.  List positive words that best describe your mother (e.g., intelligent, creative, loving, etc.)

5.  What one or two words best describe her personality?

6.  What was unique about her?

Negative Self-Expression

7.  List words that describe any negative traits in your mother (e.g., strict, insecure, opinionated, etc.).

8.  What triggered negative behavior?

9.  What one or two words best describe her worst traits?

Mother's Childhood

10. Describe as best you can your mother's childhood.

11. Was she happy? Neglected? Went to work at an early age? Poor? Rich? Sheltered? Ambitious?

Control Dynamics

Even the best of mothers has times when we are not our best. At those times, children can take a mother's behavior personally and become afraid. The following list allows you to notice your mother's tendencies. You may wish to estimate a percentage of what was the most common control dynamic:

_____Intimidator: On the verge of exploding; threatening; gave orders; inflexible; angry; self-centered; made you feel afraid.

_____Interrogator: Probed to see what you were doing; critical; undermining; needling; infallible logic; sarcasm; monitored you.

_____Aloof: Tended to be distant; busy; away from home; not too interested in your life; unresponsive; secretive; preoccupied.

_____Poor Me/Victim: Always saw the negative; looked for problems; always talking about being busy or tired; made you feel guilty for not solving her problems.

Your Reaction to the Feminine

How did you react when your mother was in her control dynamic? If more than one is applicable, it might be helpful for you to estimate a percentage value on the descriptions that apply.

_____Intimidator: Did you stand up to your mother and take a strong or rebellious position?

_____Interrogator: Did you try to get her attention by asking questions? Did you try to be smarter than her or find loopholes in her arguments?

_____Aloof: Did you withdraw into yourself, or hide out in your room doing some activity by yourself? Did you stay away from home a lot? Did you hide your true feelings?

_____Poor Me/Victim: Did you try to make your mother feel that you needed help, money, support, attention, by focusing on your troubles so that she would pay more attention to you?

            12. What control dynamic/s do you think her parents used?

13. In what way do you think her childhood influenced her life choices?

Mother's Philosophy

14. What was most important to her?

15. What statement or credo best expresses your mother's philosophy of life?

Missing Elements

16. List what you think was missing from her life.

17. What might she have done if she had had more time, money, or education?

I have often said that it seemed like the day I became a grandmother I learned everything I needed to be a good mother. Perhaps for all of us, the learning is best valued in hindsight. 

Today I honor my own dear mother, Cathryn P. Smith. I love you, Mom! 

"Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; 

A mother's secret hope outlives them all."

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, physician and poet

A Daugher Remembers: Anniversary Energies

While many of us are somewhat aware that anniversary energies affect us, I am coming to respect this phenomena with a deeper reverence as pure gift. Twenty years ago today (May 7, 1992) my dad died. I was at home that morning and the phone rang. It was my mom. She said, “I think your dad is dead.” I remember a nervous laugh as I responded to her statement with a question, “What do you mean, you think he is dead? That should be pretty easy to determine.” Mom went on to say that my dad had gone out to rototill the garden, and he had parked his truck along the edge of the garden so he could do a row and then sit and rest. When mom looked out she saw him slumped over the steering wheel and she called me. 

Mom had already called 911. I told her I was on my way and for her to not let them take him until I got there. I hung up, jumped into the car, and called my sister, Janis. She said, “Pick me up….I am going with you.” She worked right on the way. I called my mom back (I had a bag phone at that time so you know a lot has changed in twenty years). Janis kept her on the phone, so we knew before we arrived that the paramedics were there working on dad.

As I am revisiting those memories today, I am also aware how the conscious awareness of this day is a ritual of healing past, present, and future. I wrote about all of this in The Endless Path: A Grief Journey with Jackie Donohoe. If you would like a copy of the draft (not yet available for sale) send an email message to debra@scs-matters.com. 

Becoming sensitive to the impact of how your body remembers will insure your avoiding a negative experience of letting an anniversary slip up on you. Birthday, anniversary, and holiday times are pretty obvious. The specific day of the week, month of the year—even the date (for example, every seventh of the month)—can leave one feeling low. Seasonal changes and weather conditions such as a snowstorm or a sunny day can trigger the emotions. You may benefit by planning a ritual of honoring by doing something for yourself or enjoying something that was special to your loved one.

In all instances expand your awareness, and let your healing be a profound gift. 

My dad knew he was having heart trouble. Thankfully, my dad was not afraid to die. He had told me previously if it killed him to do something at least he would have died happy. I can see the wisdom in his knowing that if he could not do what he loved, he was, in a real sense, already dead. He loved his garden and he took the risk to do what he loved. 

I still remember that lifetime in those few moments on the ground with the paramedics working on my dad. Janis flew into them like a banty rooster, pulling at their hands and yelling at them to leave her dad alone. I recall her actions stopping abruptly when her eyes met the pleading look and the quiet words of one of the guys, “Don’t you realize I would stop if I were allowed to? I cannot stop.” 

I began to just coach my dad, telling him, “Daddy, don’t let them bring you back! Whatever they do, you stay right where you are!” As they loaded dad into the ambulance, they were unable to keep me from crawling right in there with them. The whole trip, my coaching continued, sometimes right out loud, and sometimes in my heart and to his mind.

Dad was pronounced dead at the arrival. I hope I thanked them for letting me stay with him on the drive. Those two guys, doing what they were paid to do, may not be aware of the anniversary energies around this date, but I am quite sure they were affected by our time together. A bit more from An Endless Path:

In The Global Soul: Jet Lag, Shopping Malls, and the Search for a Home, author Pico Iyer quotes Huston Smith, “"Daily the world grows smaller, leaving understanding the only place where peace can find a home." Regardless of where you have been in your experience of life, life after death, life after life, and the grief journey, you are likely to begin to integrate beliefs that had previously seemed quite foreign and to develop new understanding. NBC’s popular series, “Medium,” brings home communications received by a real life psychic forensic, Allison DuBois. For more information, you may wish to check out Allison’s book, We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us.

Howard Clarence Smith (Photo by David Summers, Howard's first grandchild.)

A lot has changed over the twenty years. I now have an iPhone 4S and today I can say, “Siri, please call Janis mobile.” Yet, with all the changes, and with all the years, and honoring all of the anniversary energies, one thing remains constant—a father’s love.

I love you, too, Daddy!