A friend of mine recently used the term “skirmish” to refer
to a bit of a tiff she had experienced with a close friend. I was still
thinking about that when I was catching up with a few days reading in a book by
Mark Nepo (The Book of Awakening: Having
the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have). The heading for
the first day was “I Say Yes When I Mean No.” The next day’s was about the inevitability
of conflict. The heading for that one is “The Friction of Being Visible.”
I recall tenderly the journey to authenticity I made with my
adult daughter. It was about twenty years ago. It became too painful to say yes
when I meant no. It is as though your own soul wakes up and realizes it has an
obligation to speak the truth with love and trust. Something as simple as a
request to babysit, or asking for advice, or even arguing a point of view
becomes a journey home to your whole and holy self.
It was new for me, so when I first would say no, irritation
sometimes happened. In my current awareness, I can sense that irritation as
mine, for having been asked something that I was not able to give. In a quiet
way, that might have been the Divine, calling me to my center, and using Stacey
as a guide. I have heard that it is good to ask, “Why are you doing this for
me?” the next time the temptation is there to feel put out by another or life
itself.
It is probably like any other skill you are developing,
first efforts are rarely artful… but with patience, and persistence, and the
understanding of how valuable the learning is, you get better at it as you go
along. That makes me think of a momma alligator I saw in South
Florida. She was poised in front of a log, on which seven babies were visible
behind her.
 | |||
| The baby gators were only about a foot long. They looked so cute! |
We were only about twenty feet away, and we were all quite fascinated at seeing these little ones. Seeing how cute these little ones are, you can understand. One man, in his eagerness, knelt down to get a closer look. Immediately, that momma gator raised her head
slightly and out of her throat came a very guttural growl that said clearly, “Keep
your distance if you want to keep your head.”
 |
| Momma gator was close by watching out for her babies! |
The point is, when a person is trying to keep peace, hoping
to avoid conflict, peace of mind (inner peace) is lost. Nepo writes: “If we choose to avoid
all conflict with others, we will eventually bread a poisonous conflict within
ourselves.”
Think about it this way, giving what you can give with peace, you
give peace both to yourself and to the other. Honesty, sincerity, openness with my daughter has resulted
in a profoundly delightful relationship. Over New Years when I decided to go to
Magic Kingdom for the day (after having been on the fence about it), she said
she needed to know why I had changed my mind because she did not want me to be
going to take care of her. I replied, “You do not really have to know why I
changed my mind, you only have to remember that I am honest with you and I do
not rescue you. I decided to go for my own reasons, and you can trust that.”
Let the record show, I had a great time and even rode on Space Mountain!
