My Mother

It turned out to be a beautiful day, even though it started out cloudy and sprinkled a bit at the end of the Memorial Day Parade. The sky is now ribbons of blue and pink. 

It has been a day of memories for me, for sure, as May 25, 2003, we had my mom's Celebration of Life ceremony. It was the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend that year. 

Most of us have heard the story about the woman who cut the end off the ham, put both pieces in the pan, and put the pan into the oven. When asked why she did that, she realized she did not know why, but she would ask her mother (who had done that). 

Three generations back, the truth comes forth—her grandmother's pan was too small for the ham to go into without cutting the end off! 

Socrates once stated: "The unexamined life is not worth living," and that certainly applies in this situation. Perhaps it applies to much more in our lives as well. 

Today I discovered an amazing woman. Her name is Meggan Watterson, and she has traveled the outer world of religions in search of the divine feminine before going within to find it. Here is a powerful excerpt from the Introduction of  her book, REVEAL: A Sacred Manual For Getting Spiritually Naked (Hay House Inc., 2013):

What I want the spiritual process revealed in this book to give you is what it gave to me: a sense of empowerment that allows you to shed any feeling of being a victim and own everything that has happened to you; a feeling of embodiment that allows you to let go of every notion about the body except that it’s sacred; an awareness of true love as a limitless source within you, not something or someone outside you; a feeling of self-worth that lets you accept that love is your birthright, not something you must prove yourself worthy of; the audacity and authority to know that you don’t need to keep your power hidden, that we all have a direct connection to the Divine; a belief in service and meaningful work in the world that doesn’t deplete you but rather demands that you receive as much as you give; an experience of the love and support of spiritual community to remind you again and again that you’re not alone—that women do the work of saving each other’s lives.

The readers of this blog who know my birth story have supported and nurtured me as I faced the inner pain of learning my mom discovered she had syphilis at the same time she learned she was pregnant with me. My dad had had an indiscretion. She and I spent my first trimester with her being treated at a syphilis sanatorium. She was understandably embarrassed, afraid, and angry. While this was not known by me until I was forty-something, her thoughts and emotions and beliefs about all of that affected me. 

I am so thankful she was able to share with me before she passed from this life. I remember telling her about the vague sense of womb trauma resulting in not feeling loved or wanted. The gift she gave me was worth more than fortunes: "I could not have not wanted you, I did not even know you. I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you."

Louise Hay (sometimes called the Queen of Affirmations) said, "You're the only thinker in your head." 

Yesterday, awash in many emotions, two wonderful women friends again held my tender heart and assured me I am loved and wanted. 

Yes, women do the work of saving each other’s lives. Today, as I remember my mom's passing from this life, I remember the gift of love she gave me and I vow to pass it on.

Should Have Had a V-8

I look at the post date of my previous blog entry and I realize it was 13 days ago. Where has all the time gone? These days are extra busy. I find myself doing laundry after ten and making soup before nine.

We brought my mother-in-love home from the hospital on oxygen where she will now be getting support. What an intense time of meeting nurses and social workers and learning to operate machinery and setting up systems to keep things organized.

On Saturday when I picked mom up at the hospital to bring her home, the nurse/aide helped her into the front seat while I was opening the hatch for loading in the oxygen tank. Coming around to the passenger side of the van to buckle her seat belt, I noticed the seat was in a reclining position. 

"Lean forward so I can bring your seat up," I told her. 

As she leaned up, I pushed the handle. The seat flew forward smacking her in the back. 

She immediately popped out with, "I should have had a V-8!" 

We both laughed. 

We laughed later when we realized we had carefully put her oxygen tube on her, set the concentrator to "2" as we had been duly instructed, but I had never turned the oxygen on! 

My sister-in-law also shared a funny story about one day when they were racing to the doctor and my sister-in-law ran through on a yellow light. Mom's quick-witted quip was that they could stop twice the next time! 

These are tender times for so many of us. One dear friend has her mom in the our local hospice residence. Another is bringing her younger brother home with hospice care today in a city in a nearby state. We are each facing the long journey of the only inevitability of our lives: our transition from these physical bodies. 

Speaking at a nearby church next Sunday morning—Memorial Day—the title is "The Last Minute" and I will open with this: 

Way back in the days of full-service gas stations, a minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant, a member of the church, worked quickly, but there were many cars lined up ahead of the minister. 

Finally, the attendant motioned the minister toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister laughed and responded, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Whatever is present in your life right now, it is best to remember we are each getting ready for a long trip every moment of our lives. Take a lesson from my mother-in-law, and don't wait until the last minute. Let's all make every day one filled with heart-felt laughter.

Hello, Fear!

I am listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn talking about the difference between thinking and awareness. The gift in listening is that it has turned off the fears of dying, and the preoccupation that there might be something wrong with me. I can point to the "facts" connected to my concerns, such as that my right abdomen is very bloated (an ongoing symptom I have had following the hysterectomy I had in November 2012), and the observation I have had for a few months that my right breast is lower than my left. 

My mom was terrified by life. Admittedly, I learned fear there. Perhaps Mother's Day is a perfect time for me to forgive her for teaching me fear by taking responsibility for who I am now as an adult. I can begin by integrating what I know about thinking and awareness: the difference between that which flows through the mind—in terms of thoughts, feelings, and emotions—and that which is aware of these things. 

Jon said the Buddha said all of his teachings can be condensed down to one sentence, "Nothing is to be clung to as I, Me, or Mine."  Mindfulness is not about suppressing your thinking, it is about not self-identifying with those thoughts, feelings, and emotions that flow through your mind. 

"When not examined in the larger field of awareness, thinking can run amok." Our thoughts, feelings, and emotions can make us miserable. It is not my mother's thoughts of fear around her life that are causing me distress today; my distress comes from my identifying with her thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

I value the use of metaphor, symbolism, and story to help get a person out of primitive brain (fight or flight response) and to get into the relaxation response. A great free online source is available at Lightworker.com and I chose to use the Inner Child Cards: 

What is real about my fear something is wrong with me physically (abdomen bulging and right breast sagging)?

Eight of Swords  
The children in the Eight of Swords card are walking, through a cave or labyrinth that represents a soul journey into unknown territories. A labyrinth often has one winding path that leads towards an ultimate goal. It is often used in initiatic procedures. When deep transformation occurs, we are often guided into the secret places of our minds in order to resolve old karmic patterns and subliminal fears. Oriental mystics say that the true self resides in the cave of he heart. We must go there to restore our wisdom.

The spider represents the enigma of the web, which weaves in and out of itself. Our minds are similar. We reshape and recreate our thoughts continuously. The snake, coiled in a figure eight-the symbol of infinity-is the psychic power and life force within. This snake reminds us of the ancient kundalini energy wisdom that travels up and own our spines, and has been likened to a fiery dragon , sleeping within the root chakra. The ability to readapt in life situations is essential if we are to successfully respond to the calling for change and maturation.

You may feel that this is a trying time in your life. Put worries aside, for you are entering a sacred journey. Overcoming fear is possible if you are willing to confront its deceptive face. Perhaps you are not honoring this time of initiation. The way to do so is to illuminate the deep fears that block your life and be ready to come to terms with their potent meanings. This is a unique opportunity to clean the house of your psyche. There is always light at the end of a tunnel.  

And a general question: What is real about death?   

Ace of Crystals
In northern folklore and legend, a belief exists that during the winter months when the Earth is silent and asleep, under her blanket of snow the gnomes are busy weaving crystals from the light of the Moon, Sun, and stars. When the rebirth of springtime arrives, the gnomes offer these precious gems to the sky, and through the gentle rain of springtime, magnificent rainbows are created.

The hardworking gnome in this card has uncovered a beautiful crystal for you. The time has come for you to accept the promise of hope, unity, and abundance that this crystal brings. The rainbow in the sky is a bridge uniting heaven and Earth and representing the harmony of all people. The Chinese called the rainbow the t'ai chi, or "Great Ultimate," uniting yin and yang.

When the Ace of Crystals appears in your reading, great potential is being uncovered and tremendous possibilities are present in your life, for this card depicts a dynamic rebirth on the physical level. You may be birthing something magical, be it a baby, a business, a book, a relationship, or a new phase of self-expression. You are blessed by the presence of the glorious crystal brought to you by this humble gnome. An ace in any suit says, "Yes!" Begin anew. Many ideas and dreams that have been hidden for years are now revealed. Join the light of a new day. Blessed be.