What is a Self?

Although the act of nurturing another's spiritual growth

has the effect of nurturing one's own,

a major characteristic of genuine love is that

the distinction between oneself and the other

is always maintained and preserved.
--M. Scott Peck. M.D.

Peck’s words have me pondering the mysterious dichotomy of our being separate, unique, individual selves, who are simultaneously ONE. All of the mystics write and teach about our oneness. We have a distant sense of knowing of that. 

Perhaps it is the way we have 10 fingers and  10 toes, a heart, two legs—all separate, unique, individual body parts, simultaneously ONE body. 

I recall an experience years ago. I was snuggled into bed with John (my husband). My fingers were moving almost automatically down his forearm. For an instant, I was not touching his arm. I was touching the arm of our beloved grandson, Brad. 

Whatever this “self” is, it is at once both separate and not. 

“Debra the Demented” was written on Saturday 18 December 1999.

 

I stand quivering before the leap out of myself and into mySelf!

It is as though I am perched above life itself and I can see out over the horizon in all directions... feelings unfold before me to my left and to my right.... each has a life of it's own, yet has no life at all.... 

The years stretch beyond years and yet fall into nothingness.... as all moments become one... 

Laughter belches up within me and dares to give voice with no thought to the shame that might follow.... and silence sucks the breath out of me and leaves me for dead.... only to be once more drawn from the ashes... 

If this is an awakening, then I must be mad... and if it is not, then surely I am. I long to write, to give words to this depth... to let the dance dance me... to let the song sing me... to let the death die upon my breast. 

Can one lose oneself? Can one go to sleep and never wake up? Can the madness rule the house of one's soul forever? Or can there be nothing but this endless mirage of life moving one in spite of one's willingness or resistance? 

I am a willing eagle. I am a willing frog. I am a willing birch and blade. I will allow the music to blow through my boughs and I shall throw my head back and laugh once more until the tears take over and then I shall begin again and again and again...

I lift my cup to my lips and say yes to life!

Dragons

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage.

Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

These very meaningful words came to me today from a poet and novelist born 4 December 1875. Rainer Maria Rilke is what the world would call long dead, having died 29 December 1926. I agree with the words to the hymn: ask me how I know he lives, he lives within my heart. Today Rilke lives inside my heart. 

I have been working on a writing project over the past several weeks. In practical terms, I have not yet hit my stride. The theme of the writing is my traumatic trip to Europe in October 2011. I have known the tale needs to be told, but the telling is not easy, and yesterday I got some harsh feedback about the writing I have done so far. I was told it reads like a travelogue: “I went here. I saw this. I did that.” 

“Where is the emotion?” one of my fellow writers asked. “Are you hiding something too painful to look at?” 

Most people who know me well, would agree I am no stranger to emotion. I have cried over a shrub carelessly tossed by the side of the road after having been ripped from its home along the side of the driveway, making room to park another car. I have cried myself to sleep over circumstances my ears will never hear of. 

It has taken me twenty-seven months to be willing to look at my experience in Europe, put pen to paper, and begin to share it with you. I am thankful that today Letters to a Young Poet give me the courage to face that fire-breathing dragon within. I am grateful to know that this chapter of my history wants only my love….

Flowers growing along the path at the Montsegur Monument.

Open-hearted Vision

Recently we received a copy of Don’t Retire, Rewire! It is amazing that some people really do not enjoy retirement. Jeri Sedlar and Rick Miners write about the new trend of “working retirement” as an opportunity for finding fulfilling work, passion, and life after you leave your full-time career.

I have been meeting with a couple of writers' groups. One writer gave me his card with this on the back: Retired: No business. No plans. No worries. No money. No future. Too healthy to beg. Too old to steal. Too lazy to work. Ain’t got much. Don’t want anything. Ain’t mad at nobody. Ain’t running for nothing. Waiting for the third of the month. 

I have started writing about my experiences in Europe in 2011. As part of that writing process, I have been reading How to Write a Book that Sells You, by Robin Colucci. The author is a writing coach, and while some of the questions she poses really are only about writing a book, this set of questions seems quite thought provoking and appropriate for every person to reflect on.

How do you want to spend your time?

Do you want to work a lot or a little?

Do you want to work with individuals or groups? Large groups or small?

Do you want to travel or stay put?

Where do you want to live?

Do you want to go off for long periods of solitude and self-reflection, or are you a constant networker?

How many months out of the year do you want to work? Which ones?

I attended a workshop by Robert Allen Fahey, who calls himself a psychic medium. He says his work is similar to John Edward, host of TV’s Crossing Over. I have met other people who do this sort of work, but Robert said something that I had not previously heard anyone else say. He said that those on the other side think they are the ones who are living and that we are the ones who are dead. 

Whatever you think about people who do this work—about Robert or about John—it is worth reflecting on what it is that gives life to your life. 

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” — John Lennon

Whether you are near retirement, just entering the workforce, already retired, or anywhere along the path of life, how would you answer these questions? Move beyond the forces of fear. Notice what allows you to be motivated only by love. Make 2014 a year of open-hearted vision.

The Gift of Service

The gift of our serving others also blesses us. A teacher/friend of mine said our service also serves us. We are not talking about tit-for-tat. What we receive does not always come from the source to which we had given. I remember an experience I had about all of this a number of years ago, over a Labor Day weekend.

I had a wedding and a private consultation scheduled. On Thursday of that week I got a call that the wedding had been cancelled. On Friday, I also got a call cancelling the session. I hated to lose the income, but you do your best to be intentional about soulful living and so I noticed the thought, "I wonder what my time is being opened up for."

Early Tuesday morning I was sitting in my living room—still in my nightgown—enjoying a cup of tea and some time for reflection. Our windows were open, and a gentle breeze of late summer air was filtering in with the quiet. Everything I was experiencing was busy easing my senses when I thought I heard someone calling my name.

Leaning into the sound, again I heard, "Debra..." almost a moan.

It seemed to be coming from the kitchen, so I got up to go look out into our backyard. I saw a friend of ours who stored her jet-ski trailer on our property. She was hunched over on the ground calling out my name!

Still in my nightclothes, I flew out the door and over to her. As I approached, I could see her left hand lying lifelessly in the palm of her right. No small amount of blood was oozing out of one finger, and when I looked more closely you could not avoid seeing the bone. The weight of the trailer had gotten away from her, and her hand had been crushed between the ball on the hitch and the door of our utility barn.

I quickly shut off her car, grabbed her purse, and helped her into my van. I hurriedly pulled on some sweats when I ran into the house to get my keys and rushed her to the hospital. She had no family in our town, so I stayed with her in the emergency room. When they took her into surgery, I was allowed to gown up and be with her throughout the procedure. As they worked to repair her mangled finger, I was calmly doing Healing Touch™. The surgeon said to me, “If I ever needed to have surgery, I would love to have you there with me.”

When my friend was out of post-op and settled into her hospital room, I did more energy work with her, and she slipped into a restful sleep. I was thinking about the privilege of having been there for her as I drove home.

Checking phone messages, I discovered while at the hospital working with my friend, I received a call from an area church asking me to speak. The speaker’s fee was exactly the same dollar amount as the wedding and the consultation would have been!

Having spent my day of service in a way I could not have even imagined, I mused about the way "As you give, so shall you receive."

(From Osho Transformational Tarot)